Reflecting

I think it is important to reflect on the past (NOTE: did not say whine about the past or sit on a problem on the past). This year was a tough year for my family, as transitions often are, but it is leading to exciting new adventures and new horizons. So this year I am keeping it simple with just two questions but ones that I think can be powerful as I enter the new year:

1) What are the most important lessons I learned this last year?

Maybe these lessons came from books, people around you, and mistakes that you experienced. Make sure the lesson is about something that you can control, not general grouchiness over external issues. For example, "I learned that those people did me wrong" is not a good lesson to learn; "I need to have better discernment by doing this in these kind of situations" is a better lesson. They might have run you over, but just avoiding them isn't going to do you much good - there are plenty more of them out there! (And maybe you had something to do with it anyway.)

2) What can I celebrate from this last year?

The most important question. Begin 2010 on a high note and find ways to recognize the good stuff and incorporate it January 1. That is the best habit you can make.

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What offends you

So I was reading this novel Bad Monkeys and was enjoying it when I had to pause over this one section. Two characters are talking when one says:

"Der schlechte Affe hasst seinen eigenen Geruch."

Tightly translated it is "The bad monkey hates his own smell." Loosely translated it means that people are most deeply offended by moral failings that mirror their own.

I've heard this before. And I've even seen it in action. Knew someone a long time ago that was always angriest at his kids when he thought they were lying - and he had a problem with "the check is in the mail" type statements. You see it with preachers who lament the lack of moral standing in their communities, and are outed sooner or later.

So I started thinking: What bothers me most about other people? Does it have a reflection on my own personal struggles?

I've been tough on my oldest son every once in a while for not living up to what I think his potential is; probably don't have to mention that this doesn't set well with him. Eventually I will catch myself, or more likely Nancy points it out to me, and then I apologize to him and we get back to a place where we both are enjoying our relationship. Not too long ago I took an extensive personality test and one of the results was that I was highly critical of myself. Here is what it said:

You recognize that self-improvement is the most important goal, because it is the means of achieving all goals. However, your strong interest in self-improvement combined with only a moderate level of self-acceptance indicates you may tend to be somewhat self-critical. Although at times you have healthy self-esteem, you may at other times make things a little difficult for yourself by being unnecessarily hard on yourself.

And maybe a little too hard on others close to me. Bad monkey!

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The Pittsburgh Left

Have you ever been at a traffic light and when the light turns green, the car opposite you quickly turns left across the intersection without an arrow while you are going straight? Apparently it is a common custom here in Pittsburgh. We kept seeing it happen, and every once in a while someone would comment about it. It is quirky enough that it made it into the book Traffic, 226):

The Pittsburgh Left is "that act of of driving practiced primarily in the Steel City (but also in Beijing) in which the change of a traffic light to green is an 'unofficial' signal for a left-turning driver to quickly bolt across the oncoming traffic."

It makes me think of what a hurry many of us tend to be in, rushing to here and there to get this and that done. Have you stopped to think about what it is that you are such a hurry to get to? I know you might have these commitments, but how many of them? And to what effect?

Maybe we have created this sense of urgency and hurry to keep from thinking those thoughts.

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Aspriations, squared

Vocational aspirations keep popping up, so let's keep chatting about it.

In the book The Narcissism Epidemic (93), the authors talk about how American cultural trends are pushing people towards more and more narcissistic behavior. If you are on the fence about this, just watch the first month of American Idol and watch thousands of people line up to get a shot at fame, 99.9% of which have little signing talent and will be given the boot. Or take a look at MySpace, or the people competing to have the most friends on FaceBook. Or go to the malls and shopping centers, asking people how much they spend on clothing a year. On cosmetics and surgeries. Or read the book on many more ways that we Americans try to say: "Look at me!"

In 2006, 51% of 18- to 25-year-olds said that "becoming famous" was an important goal of their generation - nearly five times as many as named "becoming more spiritual" as an important goal. The most popular answer was "being a celebrity." "Good looks" and "being rich" rounded out the top three, making for a perfectly narcissistic triumvirate.

Who is to blame?

The easy answer is the media, but I'm not buying (or trying not to buy it, literally). Media is just my fantasies played out because the media just feeds what we want. We have to take some kind of responsibility for our choices. I can't complain about the dire effects of fast food to my spouse while in the drive-thru at McDonald's. I can't complain about TV advertising with the TV on.

Another easy answer would be the government. While I think the government is pretty incompetent in many areas, if we don't like what is happening then all we have to do is elect someone else. It is up to us. Change 10 seats in the house and it would be a big swing in either direction and a statement. If we aren't happy about the current state of affairs, it's like looking at your reflection and saying, "You're not very good looking."

Well, my first answer has to be us parents. Not because we aren't telling the next generation any different, but because we aren't showing them any different. We aren't going against the growing trends, we aren't making the hard choices, we aren't living by different standards. There are many wonderful things happening in today's world, maybe we just need some more discriminating voices and actions to lead a grassroots movement.

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Perspective

Perspective is an amazing thing. My wife was having a conversation with our 7 year old son and 10 year old daughter as they were asking about the word "generations" and "centuries." She said that she and I were of one generation and the kids were another generation. But my daughter, Autumn, was born right before the century mark and Hunter was born in the next century. Hunter asked when she was born and she said 1969. He goes: "Wow. Did they have cars back then?" Nothing like kids to make you change your perspective on how old you feel...

It also reminded me about how powerful perspectives are in controlling our emotions. Since I mentioned in a recent blog that controlling our emotions is actually not that difficult, maybe we should talk about how:

Reality shaped by Perspective -> Emotions

I am in that camp that says that you cannot separate how you interact with reality without shaping it through your perspective. So you might as well take advantage of it!

Have you noticed that as soon as something changes your perspective on a circumstance, your emotions totally flip like someone turning a switch? I distinctly remember a situation when I was a newlywed and my wife went into the store to get a few things. She said she would be right out. Fifteen minutes later I was annoyed. Twenty minutes later I was working up what I was going to say because it was her fault that I was really worked up. When she finally got back into the car, I just let her have it, about how inconsiderate she was of me and my time. She started crying and pulled out the gift for me that she had spent a few extra minutes looking for. Oh boy. My perspective changed quickly about who was the jerk. I can also tell you that my mood didn't take more than an instant to change along with it.

It is easy to think that we are at the mercy of our emotions and that they are caused by events out of our control, but it's just not true. You are angry because of your perspective of what happened - and you are totally in control of it. Anger doesn't have to settle out slowly - you just want it to. Jealousy doesn't have to sit there squeezing your heart - your view of what is really good in life is letting it linger.

It is why questions such as:

How would this person that I admire handle this situation?

or

What would it be like if you knew this about the other person?

work so well because they are asking you to change your perspective.

I like the story of David and Goliath because while all the Israelites were focused on how big that spear was and how much it was going to hurt if they stepped out on the field, David was ranting about this Philistine loser who wasn't so big in the larger scheme, then he found the tools and skills that he could use and attacked the problem.

Be the person that focuses on the opportunities when everyone else is looking at the problem.

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Salience Matters

Are the things that matter to you relevant to anybody else?

If not, before you assume that they are just not smart enough to have it figured out, you might want to first ask if it has entered their radar. Maybe it has been buzzing around your territory enough that you had a chance to think through it, to see it as something that belongs rather than just a minor blip or an extraterrestial passing through.

The book Buying In (58) has this quote:

Even today, salience matters: You are in no position to desire an iPod if you have no idea what it is. The more you see something, the more familiar it becomes - not as a result of the thing changing, but as a result of your brain changing through repeated exposure.

I find this true when I am teaching. Sometimes there are ideas that I've been aware of for a while that I wonder if I should even bother talking about. I do, and watch people get an aha moment or struggle with it. I have to remind myself that I might have come across it a while ago because of my specialty, and that it hasn't hit their radar yet.

And the same happens to me. I'll find something and think, "Wow!" and the person next to me is like, "Where have you been?"

I get to watch this happen with my kids, watching as stuff hits their radars and they take notice: "Did you know that 100 times 100 is 10,000?" "Did you know that an earthworm has 8 hearts?"

Salience matters. If it is important to you, find the simplest way to communicate it to those that you believe might care. Throw it out there so that it hits their radar screens.

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The Last Batman Post, Ever

At least, until maybe the next movie comes out. I just saw it in Imax with my brother and his wife, and the Imax version was amazing.

So, here is another conversation that fascinated me. Especially since I have a talk coming up about how we must be careful about making plans for the future:

The Joker: [speaking to Harvey] Do I really look like a man with a plan, Harvey? I don't have a plan. The mob has plans, the cops have plans. You know what I am, Harvey? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one. I just *do* things. I'm a wrench in the gears. I *hate* plans. Yours, theirs, everyone's. Maroni has plans. Gordon has plans. Schemers trying to control their worlds. I am not a schemer. I show schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So when I say that what happened to you and your girlfriend wasn't personal, you know I'm telling the truth.
[hands Dent a gun]
The Joker: It's a schemer who put you where you are. You were a schemer. You had plans. Look where it got you. I just did what I do best-I took your plan and turned it on itself. Look what I have done to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple bullets. Nobody panics when the expected people get killed. Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plans are horrifying. If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will get blown up, nobody panics. But when I say one little old mayor will die, everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy, you upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I am an agent of chaos. And you know the thing about chaos, Harvey? It's fair.

He is right: it is pathetic how much we try to control things. Our relationships. Our time. Control over our environment. You name it.

There is just something in the human person that gets antzy about the thought that there is mystery totally surrounding us at all times. We try so hard to peer into the fog of the future, get it wrong constantly, fail miserably, and just keep trying. These are just an amazing small sample:

• "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
  
• "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - - Western Union internal memo, 1876.
  
• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
  

We worry and stress about ridiculous stuff of which the vast majority of never happens. Frustration is basically the realization that you don't have control. Realize it now, and maybe you save yourself some trouble - but it means being ok with mystery.

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I've Been Godin'd!

I love Seth Godin. I think he is an innovative genius for his ability to simply express remarkable ideas. (He really likes the term "remarkable," maybe I can score some points with him if I use if a few times in my blog.)

I subscribe to his blog and read it daily. But this one I just didn't get, maybe you can help me:

"Imagine that half the cars in the US get 10 miles per gallon. And half get 40 miles per gallon. Further stipulate that all cars are driven the same number of miles per year.

Now, you get one wish. You can give every low-mileage car a new set of spark plugs that will increase fuel efficiency by 5 mpg, up to 15. Or you can replace every 40 mpg car with a car that gets 75 mpg, an increase of 35 miles for every gallon driven.

Which is better?

Here is his answer:

It turns out that the 5 mpg increase is far better for overall mileage than the 35 mpg increase, even though it's smaller both as a percentage and absolutely. That's because the 10 mpg hogs use up so much gas. They're the low-hanging fruit, not just easy to fix, but worth fixing.

OK, math wizards, here is what this question looks like to me. You have 100 cars. 50 of them get 40 mpg (car X) and 50 of them get 10 miles per gallon (car Y). You can add 35 mpg to car X or 5 mpg to car Y. To me you get a higher overall mpg if you add 35 mpg to car A and you are saving more gasoline. So Just Don't Get It. Learn me something here.

Now, if you want to talk about what might be more efficient or what might get you more bang for the buck, that is a different question. Buying a $5 spark plug to improve 5 mpg rather than spending $20,000 for half of the cars might make economic sense, as well as an easy way to make an improvement that matters.

So I get the point that we can look for easy ways to improve what we are doing. I'm all over that point. And this is my easy way to improve my consternation - rather than spending weeks fretting over it (OK, I really wouldn't do that but it helps with my point), I can do the easy thing and ask the knowledgeable readers out there.

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Conflict

This week people at our church have been going through training on relationships. The most important part is learning that conflict will happen whenever the status quo is disturbed because one person or group in the relationship is dissatisfied or some stress has entered into the relationship. The difficult part for us to understand is that conflict can be good if it is handled in a way that honors both groups in the relationship because it can make both parties reassess the relationship and the assumptions underlying it. It can be bad conflict if one or both of the parties handles the conflict in a dysfunctional way, such as using demeaning or derogatory language.

Ironically, our announcement to do relationship training caused conflict, and unfortunately one person decided to respond divisively and with derogatory comments.

I might have mentioned this before, but a great little book, "Jesus Asked" by Conrad Gempf, pointed out that Jesus was rarely in conversations that lacked conflict. While we tend to have to have this image of Jesus just walking around laying down pithy statements, most of his conversations were questions that asked people to decide something. Not everyone left happy. But it was conflict handled in a loving way - intending to lift people up. People sought conversations with him, especially those considered "sinners." I think we underestimate the ministry of dialogue and good conversation.

While not wanting to stay in a constant state of conflict, it can be a good thing if both parties are learning and maturing from the experience. Just check out the Psalms if you want to see some real conflict happening...

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Reminiscing

My family and I went on a trip across Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Delaware over the weekend. We spent Saturday mostly in Philly checking out the historical sights and grabbing a great cheesesteak, and Saturday night and Sunday in Delaware. New Jersey was just an accident (you can fill in your own sly remarks on that phrase), missing an exit and traveling down through Jersey to get to Newark, DE.

It was a personal history trip in many different forms.

My oldest son Jonathan just had done some historical research in his fifth grade class on the American Revolution, so it was fun watching him see the history before his eyes. We stood in the hall where people signed their lives to a cause that might cost them their lives, we saw the chair in which Benjamin Franklin said that sun is now rising, and we gazed at the bell that rang and has this scripture inscribed on it: "Proclaim Liberty Throughout All the Land Unto All the Inhabitants" (Leviticus 25:10). But the best part was the people who dressed and spoke as if they were still there in the late 1700s, interacting with people from today. Our kids were particularly tickled when one man, acting the part of a delegate to the convention of 1776, kept arguing with a tourist about whether Washington was a state or a man.

What choices would I have made, faced with those circumstances? The search for meaning is a large part of my ponderations these days, and if it is true that a life worth living must be worth dying for, then: What do I fight for, and at what cost? (You could argue against the assertion that you need to be willing to die for something to have a meaningful life, and maybe we'll do that in a different post.)

This would be a interesting fill-in-the-blank: [Your Name] is fighting for _______.

But let's continue on the trip. Delaware is where I spent, as a local friend puts it, my "misguided youth." I was able to see people that I had not seen in up to twenty years, learn the happenings of people that I spent time with as a teenager, and catch up on local tales.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how my choices turned out, decisions that I should have made, actions I shouldn't have taken, what could have been and what is. The problem is that any one choice would leave me in a different situation now, and I can gladly say that my wife and kids are worth the pain and lost moments.

But it all comes at a price. Looking back, I sometimes feel like a bull in destiny's china shop. And it reminds me of the importance of decisions, actions, and most of all ideas.

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Disorientation and Honesty

What songs are you singing? I'm not really asking what you have currently dialed in on your radio station in your car, or the most played on your iPod. I'm more or less asking if you're humming a tune that all is right with this world, or if you are a part-time blues singer.

Ponder this quote from Walter Brueggemann:

“It is a curious fact that the church has, by and large, continued to sing songs of orientation in a world increasingly experienced as disoriented…It is my judgment that this action of the church is less an evangelical defiance guided by faith, and much more a frightened, numb denial and deception that does not want to acknowledge or experience the disorientation of life…Such a denial and cover-up, which I take it to be, is an odd inclination for passionate Bible users, given the larger number of psalms that are songs of lament, protest, and complaint about an incoherence that is experienced in the world…I believe that serious religious use of the lament psalms has been minimal because we have believed that faith does not mean to acknowledge and embrace negativity” (The Message of the Psalms, 1984, pp. 51-52).

As followers of Jesus, we should have a sense that not all is right with this world - I believe what Brueggemann calls the "disorientation." But so many don't seem to have any outward signs of disorientation - in fact, we (I will lump myself in here as someone trying to reorient my worldview) are hanging tenaciously onto what we have, onto the way things are, because we perceive that there is so much to lose. In the process, we are losing our souls.

Not that there aren't moments when we get a little taste of heaven. Tonight my daughter called me into the room to say goodnight. She asked me this question: "Am I special?" I actually teared up as I told her how much I loved her, how there is only one little girl in the world just like her, and that she is more special than she will ever realize. It was a good moment.

But at the same time, we are in a world that calls into question the special-ness of little girls, that special-ness is earned through looks or what she can provide. A world in which a little girl has to even ask that question, and that will continually question her worth based on any kind of scale, is so broken.

Maybe it does have something to do with the music, and the songs that we sing. What is some of the music that you would recommend?

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Weddings and God

I'm officiating a wedding in Austin for a friend of my brother's. The bride and groom are very nice; I've had a chance to meet the groom before and he is easy to talk to and seems very sincere. I was joking around with my brother about weddings and we were discussing the eloping alternative, and I started wondering what a Vegas-type wedding would be like.

I spent some time wondering what I would say in a wedding ceremony that did not include God. At first I thought it would be very short: "Do you want to marry this person?" But the longer I think about it, the more "what if's" come into play. What are you going to do if you have a disagreement? What if a job situation arises that provides opportunities for the two of you in different places? What if you come to a time and a place in which it will be a long, hard struggle to find intimacy again? Will the answer still be "I will"?

Most of the time the answer is, "I need to know my options". So maybe the new question is, "Do you now, and forever, without knowing your options"? Are most people sincere when they make that promise? When does the answer change? Maybe we are not doing a good enough job helping people count the cost of marriage. Maybe, in our microwave age, thinking ten years ahead is just a blur anyway.

Does the current job loyalty climate mirror the commitments we have to our spouses? When I was in the business field, it was rare for someone my age to have stuck with the same company for ten years - in fact, it was seen as a failure on your part as if you couldn't get a better job with another company. I don't see a problem with that in your career, but we could see this just as well when we would invite a group of people over for lunch or dinner. We knew how many to invite because only so many would bother to RSVP, and even those that RSVP'd, a percentage of them would not show, some never bothering to let us know. When asked why they didn't show (at first I asked, but later gave this up), the general answer, not in their exact words in order to be nice, was that they had found a better option. I later found an article stating that event planners only count on 70% attendance rate. Maybe all of this is a part of the sociological ethos that says, I've got to look out for myself because no one else will. In the end, we just can't trust anyone.

From my perspective, I hold Jesus followers to a higher standard. No "maybe's", no "for right now", no "well let's just try it out and see what happens". There are legitimate reasons for divorce for safety because of abuse or disloyalty from your spouse. There are definitely legitimate reasons for not showing up for dinner. But how casually we commit. I don't want to see the person sticking it out just because they said they would, I want to see the person sticking it out because it means a new level of understanding wrought from loyalty, a deeper presence in a life of intimacy, a more valuable treasure received from a sacrifice.

I hope I learn this. It has held true, for those moments when I am not self-absorbed. For those moments when I exist to do what is best for my kids, life is good. For those moments when I exist to help my wife, life is sweet. In those moments, trust is no longer the issue. I exist as a loving person of sacrifice and, at the same moment, become fully human. Then God is back in the midst of the relationship.

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Brother

I wonder if your relationship with your siblings ever change much. I am in the mountains of New Mexico visiting my parents with the kids, and saw my brother and sister-in-law for a few days before they left this morning. The routine with my brother didn't deviate much:

* We tried to dunk each other in the pool
* We played video games late into the night (conquering new territory, albeit electronic)
* We discussed the things that are coming up in our immediate future - his building a new house and my move to Pittsburgh

It doesn't take us long to fall into this pattern when we are together, and we enjoy it as it usually good-natured and seems to reinforce the bonds that are there (even the time we were wrestling in the winter, trying to force the other person into the yellow snow left by the deer). I can imagine us, me about 75 and he 65, as we throw out our backs seeing who can lift the heavier weight (ala Manenbaughns on Seinfeld).

This pattern of life is comfortable, but when things change, or maybe even when they need to change, something always seems to be lost as the patterns shift, there is a time of uncertainty as both sides feel their way around again, and new patterns emerge.

I've been thinking about discernment lately. Seeing the patterns of relationships, the intertwining of the paths and the open spaces where we tread with other people. This is one of the areas of the stories of Jesus that fascinate me, how he could see to the heart of those patterns. He could understand the motivations and the perceptions, and then challenge those connections that we have with each other. He was a disturbing and destabilizing force.

Discernment. I believe some people are just naturally better at it, and some better because they work at it. I think we who try to follow in the footsteps of Jesus are called to work on their discernment. The problem is that it is so easy to use what we know about the patterns around us to manipulate them into strenghtening our own position. I suppose that is where wisdom comes in, being able to challenge the patterns around us so that it benefits all, even at our own expense. That may be the toughest when it includes looking at the ones that are closest to us, and the patterns will affect our own.

There are some forces in life that challenge us. My brother and his wife are expecting their first child, and that no doubt will mess with the patterns of their life, and those of us around them, from here on out.

So, tell me, how do you think we can get better at this discernment with a tad bit of wisdom thrown in?

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Disorientation and Honesty

My friend Richard Beck reminded me of this quote from Walter Brueggemann:

“It is a curious fact that the church has, by and large, continued to sing songs of orientation in a world increasingly experienced as disoriented…It is my judgment that this action of the church is less an evangelical defiance guided by faith, and much more a frightened, numb denial and deception that does not want to acknowledge or experience the disorientation of life…Such a denial and cover-up, which I take it to be, is an odd inclination for passionate Bible users, given the larger number of psalms that are songs of lament, protest, and complaint about an incoherence that is experienced in the world…I believe that serious religious use of the lament psalms has been minimal because we have believed that faith does not mean to acknowledge and embrace negativity” (The Message of the Psalms, 1984, pp. 51-52).

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Anger

I drove to Dallas yesterday to pick up a friend out of prison after her nine month stint. Funny part of the conversation: I asked her if she was going to panhandle anymore, and she said, "No, the work is just too hard!"

She definitely does not want to go back to prison. One of her comments: there are a lot of angry people in there! Granted, she doesn't, uh, exactly have her whole act together but it was really sad listening to her talk about many of the very young women in prison who seem to be full of hatred and emotionally charged, a number of whom are in jail for battery and assault.

Why the anger? Where does it come from? How do we get so emotionally revved up that we take it out on other people? Maybe for many of us, we don't resort to physical violence, but verbal abuse and emotional daggers are pretty common.

My best guess is that we have wired into our heads some system of "fairness". The world is supposed to work in such a way that I and the people that I care about should get treated or have certain things and when that doesn't happen, my internal "no you di-uhnt" threshold is hit (my own version of pop-psychology).

For example, I believe that drivers should let other cars into a line if they make signals, such as a blinking light and wave, to make it clear that they need to be in your lane. When the other driver acts like she hasn't seen me, keeps her head straight, and then pulls up so tight to the car in front of her like she's stalking the other car, that anger thermometer in my head sets off alarms and hormones and all of a sudden I want to rip the cell phone out of hand and throw it on the highway. But that is just a for-instance.

Everyone that I know has this anger scale so that when it reaches that threshold weight, something breaks. We get angry with the source of that weight, or stress, whether it is people, a system, or even God.

Can I suggest something? Maybe our anger should start with God. The scriptures are filled with people upset with God, especially the Psalms, and He can take it. You aren't going to break Him, as you might someone else who may or may not deserve the brunt of the anger.

Once we've used up our emotional outpouring towards God, then we can think about the real source of our anger, how our sense of balance on our personal anger scale is set, and what we can constructively do about it.

Can this be done without a community? I doubt it. How often do we see people lose control in their lives because they have become isolated?

So fess up, ye quiet masses, on what you do about anger and how you adjust the scales.

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TMNT and a Myth

This weekend the family and I went to see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at the drive-in theatre. We had a good time, but it had me pondering about the use of violence as the best weapon against evil.

Before I get all theoretical and critical, I do want to admit that we had a splendid evening. The movie wasn't a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, but the kids had fun sitting in the back of our van and in chairs outside on a nice evening watching a movie. Good times.

But with the recent hit movies out, 300 and TMNT, violence is the means to overcome problems with our neighbors, even if they are a bit cranky and overbearing like threatening death if you don't bow down.

So what do you do if you are the good guys? Well, you fight back with superior force until they act the way that you want them to act, or, if that fails, you destroy them. Of course it's legit - we are the good guys! Of course, "good guys" meaning in the realistic sense those that are on the same team as you are.

The movies do have a heavy dose of let's-work-as-a-team and we can overcome all obstacles. Now, I am a strong believer in teams but let's face it: you can't overcome all obstacles just because you are a team. You also need to work out and become all muscle-y so that we can pulverize people together.

The cost of the myth of redemptive violence is heavy. You must be absolutely sure that you are in the right, whatever that might mean to you, and the fight with your conscious when it means destruction of people, including casualties. You must ensure means that the other people will act forever as you wish them to behave because let's get one thing clear - you won't change their hatred for you. Their retaliation will only escalate if they believe in redemptive violence as well. It never ends.

The cost may also be yourself and your people. I was amazed after we saw 300 at the non-reaction to the destruction of babies that did not meet the standards of maintaining the ability of heightened physical violence. Can anyone say "Hitler"? Hello! I have not seen anyone flinch at the scenes of kids beating on their brothers in the name of becoming stronger. Personally, that was the saddest moment of the movie for me.

But we overlook all that when we see Bravery. I love seeing people go against great odds. I long to be the one who stands up with others to say, We will not stand for this, it is not right. The emotional impact of watching heroes - people who stand up for what they believe or who fight for others - can catch you up. But to do that with the threat of physical Power shows a lack of imagination and bears a cost. Is there another way?

While I was in DC, there was a pastor at a local church that I had the opportunity to attend a function with. He told about the time when he attended a presidential luncheon with other church leaders with President Clinton. During the luncheon, if I remember correctly, there was a guest speaker. This lady needed a box to stand on to be able to reach the microphone. When she did, she lambasted the President and the country for their views on abortion. No one said a word, including the most powerful man man on earth. They didn't cuff her, they didn't shoot her when she got outside. She just finished and went back to her seat. Mother Teresa wielded real Power.

Real Power lies in not forcing behavior on people, but changing their hearts, beliefs, and values so that the behavior comes from within. And that takes Bravery and Imagination.

What are some of the problems that you see in your community? Maybe we could talk together, maybe even use some teamwork, to come up with non-violent means of confronting these issues.

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Solemn as what?

I saw the phrase "solemn as churchgoers" in a fiction book that I was reading and it has bothered me for the last couple of days (the phrase not the book; actually, the book is quite fun and I'll review it next week).

I can certainly see why the phrase has come about. Often, the only times many non-churchgoers ever enter a church is for weddings and funerals, and in the middle of both the mood can be quite similar - solemn, I am referring to.

Or maybe the picture some churchavoiders have is of the manic preacher breathing fire and brimstone (and spittle on the front row) on the people in the pews while they sit there and grimace. This is followed by rows of weeping people making their way to the front in fear.

And in times leading up to today, many churchgoers have enjoyed the times of solemnity and austerity. Certainly, the subject of Christianity has its talk of death and a cross and suffering, which isn't a time for knock-knock jokes.

But the "solemn" in the "solemn as church goers" is not meant by many as a compliment, as some might take it. I believe it is meant as "mirthless" rather than "causing serious thoughts". And in that case, I have a problem.

After all, aren't we the people of Sunday, the people of Easter? Aren't we the people of the Good News? If we have difficulty embodying it, it should at least be sitting on the tips of our tongues.

If churchgoers are the non-complimentary solemn-ers, then no wonder people aren't all that interested. Is that what heaven is supposed to be like? No wonder people say they will take their chances.

You want to know what I think the real problem is? I'll pretend like you do. It's a lack of Joy. Real Joy. Not the detergent type, not the "smile as I walk in the door" type. We've lost it. Our houses are so cluttered that it's sitting under something, but we have to dig through all our stuff to find it and we just don't have time or we just pile on something else hoping another Joy will come around.

We watched the documentary The Devil's Playground last night. It's about Amish kids when they turn 16, no longer have to do as they parents' want, and get to do whatever they want - and boy do they go crazy! Although, of course, they probably learn most of this from their "English" friends - a few of whom we meet in the film.

Now, I'm not saying we should all join the Amish church or way of life. But here is something fascinating - they have one of the highest retention rates (teens deciding to join the faith) these days than they ever have! I seriously doubt many church denominations or non-denominational groups have retention rates that are as close. You'll have to watch the film to see what you think.

My own hypothesis as to why - there is a contrast between the lifestyles. It is easy to "see" a difference between being "English" (normal American culture) and being "Amish".

I just don't know that we, the churchgoers, do a good enough job of making the Joy evident in our everyday lives. I just don't know if we feel it. I want people to see Christians as heavengoers, and that is the Best News that they could hear.

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What is it worth?

Interesting idea for this restaurant. I've also read somewhere, I wish I could remember where, of a man who sold bagels at workplaces and used the honor system, which is not quite the same but has the similar characteristic of trusting people to sacrifice for something that they use.

What if that was in place for other things as well? What if we just gave in taxes what we thought our government services was worth? Lots of interesting ramifications - and how you see the future probably depends on what you think about human nature. Would you see anarchy or would you see a more genteel society?

There is some aspect of paying for what you think things are worth for most objects and services - if you don't want what they are offering, offer less or don't get it. I read an article on one of my many travels lately on American Airlines about a man who will negotiate for you.

Personally, I don't think we, "we" as in representing people who buy things, don't spend enough time thinking about the true value of stuff. I guess that is obvious, but what that really means is that we stop buying things, at least so quickly, and come up with a process of determining long-term value to our lives.

So, good reader, how do you think we could do that? Should we consult someone on any purchase over a quarter? How do you determine the true value of something in how much it adds to your life?

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Sledding

We went sledding over our spring break, as you can see in this picture of my brother, sister, and I heading down a pretty steep hill.

What is it that makes sledding fun? You hop on a small, uncomfortable little disc or rectangular plastic sled at the top of a hill and then careen out of control and if you are lucky you are mostly facing downhill. You get snow flying everywhere, including in your face and up the back of your sweater (as can be seen at the bottom of this picture). One time down the hill my daughter and I were going so fast and so out of control that we went past the snow and ended up in mud.

But as you can tell, for some reason this out-of-control I'm going way too fast feeling has us smiling and laughing. Sometimes it feels good to just let go and see where the hill will take you...

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Review of "Cultivating A Life For God" by Neil Cole, part 2 of 2

The real topic of Neil Cole's book - confession, rather than discipleship - is something I believe many people are longing for but are scared to death of. I believe that you can see this in the popularity of places such as PostSecret, where people create postcards that are indicative of the secrets that they anonymously mail in.

The PostSecret website picturing the postcards is fascinating. The creator eventually puts enough of the confessional postcards into a book and then goes to signings, where you look around and wonder who wrote what.

Reading the postcards is a surreal experience. You know real, next-door people (maybe even yourself) think those thoughts and have gone through those experiences, but we just don't talk about them. Period. Not in polite company, not in rough company, and especially not to people we are close to. Rather, perfect strangers are preferred in an anonymous setting.

Are confessions really necessary? Can't we get by without them? I suppose so, since millions probably do. But are we truly a community that loves each other if we can't share our problems? That seems more like a community that is friendly as long as I don't have to really expend much energy or compassion.

Here is a confession: there are times when I'd rather see your fake smile than really know what is going on. I think my biggest fear isn't that I'd have to take time off from watching TV to help you (Survivor really isn't that great), it's that I would feel the need to reciprocate and tell you my own problems.

But the healing that could happen! How wonderful it would be to be able to tell people of my struggles, of my broken past, and know that they would love me fully! The monkey removed, the struggle is shared, and real growth could happen.

Where has the church been? Why aren't people making these same confessions in the context of the body of Christ, where forgiveness is supposed to be complete?

Gossip. Condemnation. Feeling like you are a zoo animal.

So, instead, we have anonymous boxes hiding our identity to Catholic priests, we have websites such as mysecret.tv which is basically the same as PostSecret but endorsed by a church.

I appreciate Lifechurch.tv for at least making an effort, just don't quote the verse from James when you allow anonymous confessions. In real community, you confess your sins and problems and cares to each other, not to an electronic priest. Otherwise you may feel good for a few minutes, but you miss out on the purpose - community and growth. James says the purpose of the confession to each other, not privately to God, not privately to the internet, is so that we can take care of each other, pray for the other person, and help us to get over and through it.

Thus comes Cole's book, saying let's do it, people are craving it. He suggests groups the size of two or three people. I would add "who you can trust or build a trust" but he doesn't seem to necessarily think that is necessary. He has examples of adding people in within weeks, and in one scenario he talks about people being added to the group and multiple groups forming within one setting. I have to wonder if trust and confession isn't being trampled on at that point.

I love the idea of the groups and I think they are for everyone who has ever sinned. I love his advice about having it spread as a grassroots movement rather than as a program. My own inclination would be to focus the purpose; Cole seems to stress the groups more as a Bible study and evangelism tool than as a confession and healing tool. But here is another confession: I haven't started one yet, but I plan on it. Maybe then I'll have a little better perspective.

You lucked out - I won't post my confessions on this blog.

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